The following two customer service experiences happened within one mile of each other. Zero-star and five-star, back to back. It’s baffling.

As my readers know, I almost rarely give a rating of zero stars. To earn this, the purveyor has to actually anger me, and I’m very careful to make sure that never happens. Hey, life’s too short to get your panties in a bunch every time some clown drops the customer service ball, right?

But this guy was so inept at serving his customers that – and this is no hyperbole – I really think that he and his mother belong in jail: he for giving such bad service, his mother for raising him that way.

The man in question is named Jim, and we’ll leave it at that. He’s the manager of an Office Depot in the LA area.

I’ve decided not to disclose more details because this is no isolated incident. After years of careful evaluation, I have to say that I’ve never had a positive experience with an Office Depot manager – employees, sometimes, and I feel sorry for them. I honestly believe that Office Depot goes out of its way to promote managers based on their sloth and surliness.

Office Depot is a one-star customer disservice company. …In my humble and subjective opinion.

Having said that, let me now say that Jim is the worst of his ilk that I’ve seen yet. See for yourself.

Every time I give a talk, I have my Ten Quick Tips printed up on card stock, one for each expected workshop attendee. I like to travel light, so if time allows, I do my buying and printing at my destination. I usually end up at a Kinko’s (in my experience and according to my subjective opinion, another consistent one-star service provider) or one of the big three: Staples (my personal favorite, though only three-star), Office Max, or Office Depot.

So it’s always the same routine. “Please print this document up double-sided on this paper.” How hard does that sound? Maybe I could do it myself on one of their automated machines, but …let’s just say I’ve had traumatic experiences with those in the past. And besides, I don’t work there. I’m not going to do their work for them.

Okay, so here’s the deal. The poor copy desk clerk was really swamped with two people ahead of me – and no, I’m not being sarcastic. Some orders are involved, and thus time consuming. So I waited ten minutes, and then I saw the manager walk by. I asked him if he could help – he couldn’t, he said; he had to help an employee with something in the back. So much for teaching service by example.

On his next pass, I asked him again. He obliged at this point, at least initially. He fiddled with the copier for a few minutes (so there’s one: how come the manager isn’t versed in using one of his store’s few machines?), made a poor-quality copy, and asked me if it would do. I said no, as part was illegible. He put the copy down and said, gesturing to the beleaguered copy clerk, “He’ll be right with you.”

As he dashed away, I said, “Couldn’t you just – ”

To which he replied, “I’m managing, too!”

Hmn. He was too busy managing his store to pitch in and help when his staff got backed up. What does it mean to manage, anyway?

Well, thirty-eight minutes later, I had my copies and was free to go. I asked the clerk Jim’s last name. The clerk didn’t know. I said, “Please ask Jim, then.”

They had an exchange over the walkie-talkie, and the clerk told me just to use Jim's first name. Huh?

So I walked around and found Jim. He was helping a customer find something. I guess helping customers find things is “managing;” helping them get their printing is clearly “not managing.” Hmn.

I asked Jim, “Excuse me. What is your last name, please?” To which he quickly and somewhat aggressively said, “It’s none of your business!”

This is how my letter might read, if I helped incompetent leaders out by sending them letters, which I refuse to do:

Dear CEO of Office Depot,

Jim Itsnoneofyourbusiness, manager of one of your Los Angeles area stores, is not particularly up to the task of pleasing the customer. Just thought you should know.

PS. Then again, I’ve never encountered one of your managers who is. What is your criteria for promotion? Do you train your managers? Just curious.

Okay, so that’s Bad Jim. Now for Awesome Vanessa.

I didn’t ask Vanessa if I could use her name in my blog, either, so all I’ll say is that her name is Vanessa, her Avis location is one mile from Jim’s store in greater LA, and she’s the best! She really turned my frown from Jim upside-down.

Vanessa had her really, really adorable infant girl in her arms the whole time she was processing my order for a rental car. I’ve never seen such dexterous simultaneous typing and baby wrangling in my life! It reminded me of me, when our now-four-year-old Ayla was a baby, and I was teaching at Ted’s English School in downtown Stoughton. But I wasn’t typing, and Ayla was in one of those “Bean” baby backpacks-on-your-front packs.

Anyway, enough about me. Vanessa was typing, asking me questions, juggling her mild-mannered daughter, telling me about her daughter, giving me directions to the beach, and telling me where to sign, all at once. All with a huge smile on her face that I could tell came from the heart.

Vanessa didn’t do anything more than her job. But she did it with such aplomb, and while making me feel so important to her day, that she deserves this five-star write-up. Go Vanessa!