When you flip a light switch, the lights go out. When you try to turn off the TV, it goes off. When you unplug your fridge, it stops cooling your food. So why on earth don’t computers shut off when you hit the power button?

This has plagued me for years. I’ve been told that you can damage your computer by shutting it off the wrong way, and I accept that – but I want it to be my decision! Instead, there are times when I hit the power button and the computer remains on. It’s as if the computer is finicky, like a cat, and it will do just as it pleases.

When I’m using a desktop, that’s fine; I can unplug it and it will go off. But there are numerous times that I have had to unplug my laptop and wait for the battery to drain before I can get the thing to turn off. My current laptop battery lasts about eight hours. This disappoints me, to understate it. I finally removed my battery to expedite the process.

You may be asking yourself what this has to do with customer service. I agree; this takes me beyond the culture-building and branding on which I’ve built my reputation. But this technology issue does frustrate me as a customer, and that too is a key part of customer service.

If your product makes your customer unhappy, then – even if it’s a really cool product – your customer will be forced to struggle with it or, more likely, you will lose that customer: not just now, but good luck winning a burned customer back in the future, once you’ve gotten your act together.

This isn’t news. But here’s how it plays to customer service. When the product you make does not show care for the customer, it shows that your company does not respect the customer. Lack of regard for the customer in any respect is poor customer service.

This is what David Packard was referring to when he said, “Customer satisfaction second to none is the only acceptable goal.” The founders of HP insisted that their customers be satisfied – actually, delighted – with the quality of the products they bought. …With the knowledge of the sales staff. …With the accessibility and responsiveness of the engineers. …With the flexibility and respect of the accounts billable department. Sure, Packard and Hewlett wanted their employees to be polite, to smile, to say, “Let’s make it happen” instead of “Our policy says….”

But that narrow definition of customer service didn’t happen in a vacuum. It happened in a culture of customer-centrism; brand that was consistent throughout its entire operation, from the corner offices to the factory floors.

I’m not saying that HP hasn’t stumbled in recent years. Actually, we have put a moratorium at Coiné on buying any more HP products, at least until we are satisfied that they have gone back to their roots. We have had nothing but nightmare service from this brand since our first purchase years ago. Hewlett and Packard are surely turning summersaults in their graves.

But that is because company leadership has turned its back on its founders’ core principles. The wisdom of David Packard’s admonition, quoted above, remains.

I’ve wandered away from my initial comments on irascible computers. That was more than half jest. No one company is to blame for this design flaw: it’s just the state of the art. I’m sure it will pass as technology progresses.

But here are a few examples of products and process that show either regard or disdain for the customer:

When a restaurant is popular, people will overwhelm its capacity to serve without a wait. That’s merely the nature of the beast. First Watch restaurant in Naples, Florida, does something that I’ve never encountered before, though. When there’s a wait, they wheel a self-serve coffee cart out front, for its patrons’ comfort. Self-serve, and for free. Wow! This is Process at its customer-serving best.

I rent cars frequently in my line of work, and most often I find myself in American cars. It’s amazing to me that Detroit is still so out of touch with its customers. For instance, on the GM model I last drove, only one door has a key hole. If I’m on the left side of the car and don’t have the remote opener, I have to walk around to open the door.

My Saab (also a GM brand) suffers from the same design flaw. However, in most ways, it is one of the most customer- (driver-) sensitive cars I’ve driven, and I’ve tested about every brand of high-end sports car there is (I’m shopping for a new car right now). For instance, the headlights automatically go on whenever I turn the car on, and go off whenever I remove the key. Because of this neat feature, I’ve never had to have a jump. I love it!

I bought the very first MP3 player ever sold, the Diamond Rio, I believe in 1995. If memory serves, if you loaded songs at full quality, it would hold about six. You could fit upwards of 36 songs on there if you compressed the files and didn’t mind the corresponding drop in quality. But, tiny-capacity-be-damned, I love my music, especially when I run, and this device had been written up as shake-proof.

Uh… it wasn’t. It stopped playing about two minutes into my runs, and wouldn’t come back on until it had rested and collected itself. Then there was the sound quality. Even at only six songs, it gave a tinny sound. I switched headphones, and I used two different computers to upload my songs, just in case. It was the Rio.

The product simply didn’t work adequately to sell, but the manufacturer didn’t care: they were out for a quick hit. Greedy, short-term thinking has a way of bringing about short-term results. Does this company even exist any longer? They were first to market, and they trumpeted a really, really cool product. Today, zillions of people own MP3 players. …Apple ipods. They work.

The customer service ethic must pervade every last aspect of a company’s culture in order for its brand to work. Departments throughout the company have to share a passion for serving the customer, or all of the company’s branding efforts will ring hollow.

In a future entry, I’ll share my thoughts on customer service departments. It won’t be pretty.

The following two customer service experiences happened within one mile of each other. Zero-star and five-star, back to back. It’s baffling.

As my readers know, I almost rarely give a rating of zero stars. To earn this, the purveyor has to actually anger me, and I’m very careful to make sure that never happens. Hey, life’s too short to get your panties in a bunch every time some clown drops the customer service ball, right?

But this guy was so inept at serving his customers that – and this is no hyperbole – I really think that he and his mother belong in jail: he for giving such bad service, his mother for raising him that way.

The man in question is named Jim, and we’ll leave it at that. He’s the manager of an Office Depot in the LA area.

I’ve decided not to disclose more details because this is no isolated incident. After years of careful evaluation, I have to say that I’ve never had a positive experience with an Office Depot manager – employees, sometimes, and I feel sorry for them. I honestly believe that Office Depot goes out of its way to promote managers based on their sloth and surliness.

Office Depot is a one-star customer disservice company. …In my humble and subjective opinion.

Having said that, let me now say that Jim is the worst of his ilk that I’ve seen yet. See for yourself.

Every time I give a talk, I have my Ten Quick Tips printed up on card stock, one for each expected workshop attendee. I like to travel light, so if time allows, I do my buying and printing at my destination. I usually end up at a Kinko’s (in my experience and according to my subjective opinion, another consistent one-star service provider) or one of the big three: Staples (my personal favorite, though only three-star), Office Max, or Office Depot.

So it’s always the same routine. “Please print this document up double-sided on this paper.” How hard does that sound? Maybe I could do it myself on one of their automated machines, but …let’s just say I’ve had traumatic experiences with those in the past. And besides, I don’t work there. I’m not going to do their work for them.

Okay, so here’s the deal. The poor copy desk clerk was really swamped with two people ahead of me – and no, I’m not being sarcastic. Some orders are involved, and thus time consuming. So I waited ten minutes, and then I saw the manager walk by. I asked him if he could help – he couldn’t, he said; he had to help an employee with something in the back. So much for teaching service by example.

On his next pass, I asked him again. He obliged at this point, at least initially. He fiddled with the copier for a few minutes (so there’s one: how come the manager isn’t versed in using one of his store’s few machines?), made a poor-quality copy, and asked me if it would do. I said no, as part was illegible. He put the copy down and said, gesturing to the beleaguered copy clerk, “He’ll be right with you.”

As he dashed away, I said, “Couldn’t you just – ”

To which he replied, “I’m managing, too!”

Hmn. He was too busy managing his store to pitch in and help when his staff got backed up. What does it mean to manage, anyway?

Well, thirty-eight minutes later, I had my copies and was free to go. I asked the clerk Jim’s last name. The clerk didn’t know. I said, “Please ask Jim, then.”

They had an exchange over the walkie-talkie, and the clerk told me just to use Jim's first name. Huh?

So I walked around and found Jim. He was helping a customer find something. I guess helping customers find things is “managing;” helping them get their printing is clearly “not managing.” Hmn.

I asked Jim, “Excuse me. What is your last name, please?” To which he quickly and somewhat aggressively said, “It’s none of your business!”

This is how my letter might read, if I helped incompetent leaders out by sending them letters, which I refuse to do:

Dear CEO of Office Depot,

Jim Itsnoneofyourbusiness, manager of one of your Los Angeles area stores, is not particularly up to the task of pleasing the customer. Just thought you should know.

PS. Then again, I’ve never encountered one of your managers who is. What is your criteria for promotion? Do you train your managers? Just curious.

Okay, so that’s Bad Jim. Now for Awesome Vanessa.

I didn’t ask Vanessa if I could use her name in my blog, either, so all I’ll say is that her name is Vanessa, her Avis location is one mile from Jim’s store in greater LA, and she’s the best! She really turned my frown from Jim upside-down.

Vanessa had her really, really adorable infant girl in her arms the whole time she was processing my order for a rental car. I’ve never seen such dexterous simultaneous typing and baby wrangling in my life! It reminded me of me, when our now-four-year-old Ayla was a baby, and I was teaching at Ted’s English School in downtown Stoughton. But I wasn’t typing, and Ayla was in one of those “Bean” baby backpacks-on-your-front packs.

Anyway, enough about me. Vanessa was typing, asking me questions, juggling her mild-mannered daughter, telling me about her daughter, giving me directions to the beach, and telling me where to sign, all at once. All with a huge smile on her face that I could tell came from the heart.

Vanessa didn’t do anything more than her job. But she did it with such aplomb, and while making me feel so important to her day, that she deserves this five-star write-up. Go Vanessa!

Not an hour ago I was at Budget in Naples, and I had such an extraordinary conversation that I had to share it right away.

I had to rent a car for a short trip while my car is in the garage. I picked it up at the Budget office, and the service was fine – pleasant, the manager/franchise owner was efficient yet chatty, the office itself was pretty attractive. So I personally had no complaints.

…But I couldn’t let this sign go without comment. Right there blocking the hallway to the offices in the rear was a big, beautiful sign which read (and I paraphrase), “No public rest rooms, for insurance purposes.”

Now, as my readers know, I rarely bring bad customer service to the attention of the management, because I figure that if they’re going to insult me, I’m not going to help them. Another reason I hold this policy, though, is that people tend to consider advice as valuable as its price, and free advice doesn’t cost them anything.

I couldn’t help myself this time, though, and I figured that the manager was pleasant enough that I’d do him a favor, my policy be damned.

I started by pointing to his sign and telling him that he should get a new insurance company. I pointed out that I label lack of a restroom for your customers as one-star customer disservice. It’s a slap in the face; it’s worse than a clerk being surly and not making eye contact. Imagine: “I’ll happily take your money, but if you want to go to the bathroom here, you can go screw!” That’s what this policy says.

Well, it turns out that he’s happy about the “No public restroom” limitation. He “Hates!” people poking around in his office, which is between the front of the house and the rest rooms.

I asked if he could lock his office door. He didn’t seem to want to. I got a number of excuses, but, as my swim coach once said, “Excuses are like feet. Everybody has a couple, and they all stink.” I’d add further that one excuse might be construed as a reason, and possibly valid. When you keep offering one excuse after another, it becomes clear that you’re not disclosing the true reason. His actual reason for not offering his customers access was, as he said, because he “Hates” it.

(Note: one excuse he gave for the sign was that thieves can have access to the keys if you let people wander around. Uh…. So lock the key up? Put them behind the service desk? Just an idea.)

Another thing this guy “Hates” – and even more passionately, it seems – is going home a minute after 5:30. He said his first year, he lost “a lot” of regular customers because, if someone entered the store after 5:00, he would be “Rude to them. Really nasty!” He repeated that a few times, so I believe him. I have to wonder how many customers he considers “a lot.” It sounds pretty serious to me.

He solved his problem by hiring someone to close the shop for him. He can leave at 5:00 or so, and this employee can handle customers who show up at 5:32 or what have you.

Well, at least he solved his problem. He’s happier, and so are his customers. And to be fair, your work shouldn’t make you miserable. Too few people would agree with me on that, but it’s essential.

I’d like you to compare this encounter with my write-up of Zoots drycleaners, which we’ll be publishing later this year in Make Your Company a H.I.T. To let the cat out of the bag, Zoots, based in the Boston area, is one of the nine companies we’ll be awarding the Coiné Award in a couple of weeks. They don’t seem to mind staying late to help their customers….