George Carlin, Customer Service Expert

“New Rule for 2006: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.” – George Carlin

You know, Mr. Carlin has a good point. I find two things unappealing about the typical checkout process these days. First, I don’t work for the store, so I shouldn’t be expected to process my own credit card. I’ll hand over my card and sign the sales slip, thank you very much. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to expect the cashier to do the rest.

Secondly (and this is the real kicker) I don’t want to be scammed into using my card for debit when I prefer utilizing the credit option.

At every self-swipe terminal I’ve seen – and that’s a lot, unfortunately for my savings – when you swipe your card, you are automatically asked to enter your PIN, thus activating the debit function of your card. If you want to use credit, you usually have to hit cancel (although this varies depending on the processing machine, the uncertainty of which only adds to the inconvenience.)

This isn’t a mistake. Merchants prefer you to pay by debit, because then they are not required to pay a fee, as they are when processing a credit card – usually 1-3%, but up to 8% if it’s American Express (a big reason most vendors don’t accept Amex, and I agree with them wholeheartedly on this point). The thing is, if the customer uses her debit card at the checkout, then it is she who is often gouged by her bank for going out of network.

It’s all a matter of who’s going to pay: the merchant (credit) or the customer (debit).

Do I see why the merchant would sign on to make it harder for its customers to choose credit? From a purely pennywise viewpoint, yes, I do. In fact, so long as every merchant pulls this same trick, then why not? Right?

Wrong. George Carlin has such a huge following precisely because he bases his humor on common experiences: We all feel inconvenienced by the payment process at countless stores and fast food joints. When a comedian like Carlin points out how ridiculous it is that we are made to suffer this abuse, we all chuckle and forward the jokes-email to our friends, who also identify with Carlin’s gripes. Everybody minds this treatment.

It’s pound foolish to inconvenience your customers. It’s pound foolish to abuse your customers with the manipulative debit-over-credit trick merchants put us through. As customers, we remember when we’re inconvenienced and abused. We resent it. And when we find a friendlier choice, we drop the old merchants and embrace the new. We tell all our friends, coworkers, family, and neighbors.

…Let me show you just how pound wise it is for a store to provide a more convenient checkout experience: pound wise, because the company in question is getting free advertising on a customer service web log. Oh, and it’s pennywise, too, because this service costs the owners not one cent to provide.

Sunshine Ace Hardware on Route 41 in Naples, just a few blocks from our home, is a company I think you’ll be hearing a lot more about in this blog and our future publications. They get what Five-Star service is all about – and yes, they’re “just” a hardware store. They compete with Home Depot and Lowes on the price of their hammers. I’ve checked. Yet still they’re Five-Star.

One of the many, many things that impress us about Sunshine Ace is how the checkout clerks process your payment cards for you. The machine is exactly the same as in any other store, but they do it all for you: swipe your card, then press the “cancel,” “enter,” and “OK” buttons for you, so you don’t have to.

Is it nothing? Well, it’s certainly a little thing. But it’s a little thing that makes a big impression, because nobody else does it.

And you know the best part? You’re free to eat your Almond Joy while the clerk does all the work.